This Is What It’s Like To Be The Only Sober Person At A Party Or Social Event

You come to the party, you are offered a drink, you turn it down and then the questions begin. Why not? Are you Mormon? Are you a recovering alcoholic? Do you have alcoholism in your family? These questions are very personal and maybe that person doesn’t want to divulge that information with you, did you ever think about that? What if that person’s mother was killed in a drunk driving accident? Don’t you think that would kind of kill the mood of the party if that was said? Yea, it definitely would. Some questions are better left unanswered.

When you say you don’t drink you immediately get a ton of “respect” from people. They say, “Oh man, I could never do that.” or “That’s so crazy, how do you do it?” You know that for like a LONG period of time, people didn’t have alcohol to drink, right? We survived just fine. I’m sill surviving just fine. It’s not necessary. It’s not like it is vital to human life. I’m glad you respect my decision though. But then this happens…

Oh wait, you totally don’t respect my decision. Now I’m being peer pressured into doing something that I just explained I don’t want to do and have no intentions of doing. Don’t really care what you say, it’s not going to sway me. This is especially troublesome if the person not drinking actually IS a recovering alcoholic. So maybe you should just, chill out.

At the party there is usually 1,500 types of liquor or beer but nothing for a sober person to drink at all. Unless they have soda for mixed drinks, but if you try to drink that the people start yelling at you for drinking the mixer. Jeez, sorry. I guess I’ll just stick with water from the sink like a dog. Thank you very much. You are quite hospitable.

When you realize that there is nothing for you to drink at the party, you start to look elsewhere. Aha! There are snacks everywhere. That is what the party becomes to you. It is now your goal to eat all of the snacks in this party. They owe it to you. You aren’t allowed to drink any of the non-alcoholic drinks, so take it out on the snacks. It doesn’t even matter if they aren’t out in the open. Go looting through the cabinets, find something for you to devour and be sure to devour it.

There will probably be a fight at some point in the party. Some guy hits on the wrong girl and soon it’s an all out brawl. It’s now on you, the sober person, to stop the massacre from happening. If you intend on getting in the middle of it, be prepared to take a few of those punches. You are a martyr.

After everyone realizes that you aren’t drinking and you are pigging out on their snacks, get ready for a few hours of alone time leaning against something. You’ll get to witness everyone else having a blast and never really understanding why that picture of a gopher is so hilarious. You’ll always have the wall though, the wall doesn’t care that you ate all of the Wheat-thins and don’t drink. So cuddle up against it and get familiar. It is your companion for the night.

Of course, at the end of the night you are everyone’s driver. Do you get paid? No. What you get is people complaining about your taste in music. “What are we even listening to?!” You’re listening to my music because this is my car you ungrateful little…okay calm down, you know they are just drunk, don’t worry about it. It will all be over soon and you can go home and no one will be there to scream in your ear about how they want to hear the new Ariana Grande song immediately. It will all be worth it though when you get that chorus of thank yous as they one by one leave your car. Totally worth it…wait…is that puke?! Did someone puke in my car again?!